On Difficulty

I've noticed that nowadays people seem to be really hung up on difficulty. When someone is given advice or criticism (good or bad) or a plan of action, etc., the first response tends to be something along the lines of, "well it's not that easy" or "that's really difficult." And I've always struggled to understand what the person is actually trying to communicate by responding this way.

This may not be other people's intention, but I honestly don't think ease really matters outside of trying to find efficient solutions. Some things are just plain difficult and even though there is definitely a benefit to acknowledging that fact, whatever "it" is still needs to be done in order to achieve one's goal(s). I feel like it’s fairly obvious that if something was easy then one would just do what was needed without much thought. Ease is so relative that it seems nearly moot unless the person is asking for solutions for the difficulty in and of itself.

It is quite possible that in such scenarios my pragmatic outlook isn't well suited to providing the kind of support one may be seeking in the moment. It's also possible that I am fundamentally missing a key component for truly understanding what the other person is trying to communicate.

Perhaps the person is actually trying to ask for active support during their journey? Or verbal acknowledgement that what they need to do is difficult? Perhaps the difficulty isn't actually the point, but perhaps there is an underly and uncommunicated fear attached to the goal or issue in question? I have not been able to gather actual feedback so it could also be none of these things and I'm blindly guessing at this point.

Another interesting thing I've encountered when this comes up in conversation is, when I'm specifically asked about what I would do in the situation, expressing what I would do is often met with similar phrases such as, "well not everyone can do that" or "not everyone has the same resources as you." This has always baffled me. Of course not everyone has the same circumstances as me, that's why it's my viewpoint. If you want to talk about someone else then why ask about my personal view about my personal situation? I just don't understand what is trying to be communicated with these deflections and “whataboutisms”. In my mind we're both trying to solve an issue and this line of thought just seems really unnecessary and not helpful to focus on.

I definitely acknowledge that I am almost certainly missing something vital in these situations. Trying to have discussions about this is quite difficult and solo research is slow going, but I feel it's necessary for me to educate myself on this so that I can more effectively help myself and others in the future.

On Cultivating Curiousity

There seems to be a lack of curiosity in the world. It seems like people don’t particularly enjoy moments of discovery. It’s as if they don’t want to know the secrets of the universe. Being an extremely curious person myself, I often wonder why this appears to be the case and, if it’s true, how to help those who wish to cultivate their curiosity.

Of course, most people are curious about the things that interest them and many are curious about the things that directly and immediately affect them on some level. Still, this type of curiosity appears a bit limited in both scope and depth. A just enough approach if you will. 

There’s nothing wrong about this, but what of the topics and scenarios that a person may naturally never encounter? What of the different experiences that are not to be, simply because one sticks to their chosen interest rather than branch out into something new? What of the multitude of possibilities and potential knowledge that lay just outside the edges of one’s immediate surroundings?

This is a very broad topic to think about and discuss. One can be curious about anything and everything. There are some people who spend the majority of their time pondering, wondering, questioning, discovering, and so on. By doing this they are actively enriching themselves and potentially others.

Now, there are many people that are perfectly happy with their current level of curiosity and see no need to change. That is certainly a valid view and I don’t wish for them to change. Seriously, there’s nothing wrong with being content in this area. However, this paper is aimed towards helping those who do wish to increase their curiosity.

Questioning 

Asking questions is a base expression of curiosity. You cannot be curious if you don’t ask questions. It doesn’t have to be outwardly expressed either. Many people often question through wondering or daydreaming without realizing it. Lots of people understand that they are questioning on an intellectual level, but still may see it as separate from being curious. 

There are, however, some negative connotations around questioning. Some may see it in the same light as challenging, critiquing, or being disrespectful. Especially during conversation, some people may see being questioned as a personal attack. This can lead to some becoming defensive and potentially shutting down to further discussion of the topic at hand. 

Unfortunately, this isn’t always a baseless accusation. There are many different ways of asking questions. While some may have truly innocent intentions there are those who choose to wield questioning as a weapon to try and break down a person intellectually. Sometimes this can be difficult to recognize and other times it may be quite obvious. Asking questions isn’t the issue here, but rather the tool. Sometimes even with pure intentions, questioning can lead to unwanted attention, the highlighting of a person’s lack of knowledge, or may simply bring to light uncomfortable truths.

Another assumption people tend to make about questioning, and being curious in general, is in regards to the topic’s worth. Some believe that you can, or should, only ask big questions. Those questions that have far reaching consequences for humanity or the universe. They may think that anything less than trying to cure cancer or transform society or prevent war is not special enough to warrant further consideration. Whether through this belief or another, some people just don’t feel like they themselves are smart or important enough to ask questions. Some don’t even believe they have the right to ask questions at all.

Obviously nobody is barred from asking questions. Of course, there are certain topics or areas where one will absolutely need to be more conscientious of how they go about gathering whatever information they seek. On the whole though there is nothing wrong with asking questions and everyone should be encouraged to do so. You should absolutely exercise and grow that little curiosity muscle!

Benefits 

I suppose some may ask about the benefits of being curious, and though it is tempting to point out the irony of this question, I’ll instead just answer as best I can. There are a multitude of upsides to being curious and nearly all congregate around growth. Growth in this context is more than just one’s factual knowledge. It’s also their depth of understanding and their ability to apply information in meaningful ways.

A simple example to illustrate is fire. Most people know what fire is on a factual level. Fire is the byproduct of a chemical reaction. That is a fact. Now, if fire weren’t incredibly important to our society and otherwise a much more niche subject, how many would bother to learn what fire was on a deep level or its multitude of effects and uses? On the surface, if you only learned the mechanics of a fire, you still would not have the deep understanding that comes with interacting or experiencing the phenomenon. 

You may not understand the potential of fire as a tool. You may not be able to empathize with those who have been burned by fire or those who have lost their possessions or loved ones to a fire. This is the context meant when the term growth is used. The ability to go deeper than the factual surface to understand a topic's implications and potential experiences. True curiosity compels one to dive deeper into a subject to learn its intricacies.

There is also the cumulative effect of learning about multiple different subjects. The marriage of information can be truly wonderful. Again, take fire. Knowing what fire can do and how it behaves opens up a world of possible uses. Fire has practical applications in the worlds of culinary arts, science, medicine, history, the entertainment industry, and much more. 

Imagine applying all the various knowledge you currently have to each other. What sort of feats are you capable of just because you have some understanding in two or more areas? Now imagine what may lay just outside of your current understanding of the world. What possibilities have you yet to uncover? Curiosity allows us to ask, “What if,” and the answers can help to inspire invention and further our understanding of the world. 

Habitual Learning

The best way I’ve found to become more curious is to make learning new things a habit. When learning is habitual, your curiosity tends to express itself in a more organic manner. I don’t mean to suggest just taking random classes or researching the most esoteric subjects. One way to practice this is to begin following those micro curiosities one may have during a regular day. I’m talking about those innocuous times throughout the day that one may have when they say or think, “I wonder why/how/if…” 

These are perfect opportunities to reinforce the habit of learning! The subject is right there waiting to be explored. Why do street signs read the way they do? Why do banks operate when the majority of people are at work? How high can a human possibly jump? What would happen if people became immune to radioactivity? Explore those thoughts! See if anyone else has asked, or answered, the same questions. Again, exercise and grow that little curiosity muscle!

Even just finding the limits of your current understanding can help to propel you down a path of new knowledge and information. If need be you could physically write out a list of everything you know. From there you may be able to spot holes in your understanding or see an area that you’ve completely neglected for one reason or another. Those areas are great places to start your journey.

Again, don’t think you have to take classes or any formal direction right off the bat here. A class may help you stick to a subject long enough to get used to studying if you are out of practice, but a class can be restrictive, expensive, and a large time commitment as well. Self directed learning is often just as or more fruitful than the classroom. When you make learning a habit, the payoff is the joy of discovery. Those “Aha!” moments become a source of satisfaction.

Now, if you find that whatever subject you choose is best suited for the classroom then by all means find a class that will cater to your interest. However, if you’ve taken a class on a whim without having much investment in the subject beyond just learning “something,” be prepared to face potential resistance in yourself to finish the class.

If you can make learning a habit then picking up new topics to study starts to become nearly as easy as breathing. You’ll find yourself wondering during any downtime in your life. You’ll continuously be thinking through your current catalog of information and wonder what else can be learned about a subject or potential experiments that may lead to new insights. 

Another great way to increase your curiosity is through your interests. You can use your current interest(s) as a way to find new interests. This can be especially helpful in the case of, typically, surface level interests such as sports or art. A lot of people enjoy these things from a very high level point of view. Just watching sports or going to the theater is fine of course, but what about what may lay just under those surfaces?

Say you enjoy watching basketball. Learning as much as you can about a particular team’s history or the mechanics of the game can be gateways to interesting areas you may never have known about. Basketball, and other sports, have strong ties to the worlds of physics, psychology, history, medicine and so much more. Learning about how these disparate topics interact and influence one another will not only increase your base level of knowledge and understanding, but can also lead you to discovering other interests as well.

Of course, if you’ve done this once you understand that this method of discovery can be applied to anything. So, look at your current interests and study them as you see fit, but also be on the look out for how your interests connect to a wider world. Nothing lives in a vacuum after all. Being curious is a skill like any other. The more you engage in the practice the better you’ll get over time. So, exercise your curiosity and grow as a person!

On Fear

Have you noticed how fearful people are nowadays? How it crops up in everyday speech? How it appears to have become the default emotional response to anything “other”? Fear has taken over as our emotional overlord and I believe it needs to be cut down to size.

What is fear? The dictionary defines fear as, “an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat.” I think that sums it up nicely. Fear is the response to perceived threats. It’s our first line of defense against “bad”. From one perspective fear is a vital component to survival. Viewed from another angle, however, fear is given entirely too much consideration and power in our lives.

Now, fear in and of itself isn’t bad. Of course it isn’t. As noted before, it’s a stellar way to help guard against undesirable things happening to us. A healthy dose of fear can certainly help someone lead a long and healthy life. It can help us to readily evaluate what should be sought after or what should be avoided. And, there are of course many new and good reasons to have certain fears or to be cautious. These mostly surround potential issues that have sprung up in the wake of changing norms as well as shifting societal expectations. Yes, there are many benefits to having a good sense of fear.

The biggest problem that I can see with fear is how it has been redirected in modern western society. And to go along with this heightened sense of fear is a critical lack of appropriate coping mechanisms. From what I’ve observed, there appears to be a prevalence of fear surrounding the Unknown, the Other, and the Self.

Discussing Fear

Fear as a concept is fascinating. Trying to discuss fear with others is also fascinating, although for different reasons. Have you ever tried to discuss fear with someone? Throughout my own attempts to understand how others experience and view fear I’ve been able to observe three general responses when someone is asked about their fears or fear in a broad sense. 

The first is that many people do not like discussing fear(s) at all. If you want to see how quickly someone can put up their defenses just ask them about their fears. Of course I can’t be certain exactly why this is the case, but I could definitely make some educated guesses. I suppose it comes down to the fact that fear is a type of weakness to most people and discussing it comes with a level of vulnerability that many simply don’t wish to expose themselves to. This is perfectly understandable. Being purposely vulnerable with someone requires a certain level of trust between the two. Being vulnerable is also quite uncomfortable for many people. A topic for another day, but a factor here just the same. 

The second is that many people don’t appear to think about their personal relationship with fear. They tend to have this general view of, fear = bad, and don’t seem to have any interest in digging deeper into what that means for themselves. Which I suppose is fair enough, but it is a bit disheartening that I’ve not been able to find anyone who has studied their personal fear in depth. Not that there's anything wrong with not diving into the subject, I just mean that it would be nice to find others to discuss this topic with after they’ve done some introspective work on the matter. There are psychologists and other professionals who have studied other people’s fears, yes, but those I’ve spoken to haven’t taken the time to dive into their own personal fears on a deep level.

The third is that most of the people I’ve been able to broach this subject with tend to not have many coping mechanisms beyond fight or flight when it comes to fear. They also don’t seem to want to find other ways of dealing with fear. Running away from or attacking the perceived source of the fear seems to be good enough for them. Which, again, is fair enough if those methods serve the person well.

Fear as an Abject Ruler

I believe that fear is being given entirely too much weight in everyday decisions. Understand that I am not advocating for the removal of fear, as noted earlier, but rather the taming of fear and a stricter policing of its effects. Simply put, fear should not be the dominant emotion for a person or group. 

Like all emotions, fear is a tool. It reminds us to practice caution. It helps us to see areas where we may be weak or vulnerable before issues emerge. It serves as a reminder that consequences are real and it can help guide us through difficult times. Notice that none of the above scenarios require fear to take the lead. Indeed, I struggle to think of many scenarios that require fear to dominate or control a person. 

It can seem like a good idea to let fear take over in dire situations, but how often is a person truly in such a scenario? Natural disaster, house fire, motor vehicle accident, war, etc. These are all things that shouldn’t be, and usually aren’t, an everyday part of someone’s life. It’s not often that one is in imminent danger. 

Our access to information is certainly playing a part in making it seem as though the world is chock full of doom and gloom. There’s always something going on and reports of loss of life or corruption or wars are readily available. It makes it a bit difficult, I think, for people to adequately assess just how much danger they may really be in at any given moment. The focus so far has been toward physical dangers, but the fear doesn’t stop there at all. Social and personal fears abound as well. Indeed, there are many, many other areas that are sources of fear for people and the issue is just as prevalent in those cases.

Still, I maintain that very rarely should any particular emotion have unilateral control of a person. For the majority of cases I would argue that it’s far better to keep a calm mind than to allow any emotion to take control. No, fear is meant to be an equal partner balanced with the other emotions. Just like a ruler with advisors there is nothing wrong with gathering the advice and perspectives of those you trust, but the final decision should be made by you and not your emotions.

The ability to keep a calm demeanor allows one to accurately assess a situation. This in turn allows for better planning and response to whatever has come up. Staying in control allows a person to take into account the various options at their disposal in the moment rather than immediately jumping to the first potentially plausible resolution. 

Still, it can be very difficult to keep composure when the situation arises. Especially if the person hasn’t had any exposure or experience with trying to tame their fear. Also, I understand that it can be nigh impossible to overcome the effects of extreme fear, but there is so much value in working on mastering one’s fear response. Even just a little control can help one guard against greater catastrophe.

When one is overcome with fear they lose their ability to act rationally and with forethought. In this way, they could inadvertently make the situation worse or go on longer than necessary. There’s no true guarantee of what a person will do or is capable of when they are not in control of themselves. They could injure themselves or others, damage property, spread misinformation, and much more all while believing they are doing the right thing.

When things like that happen, and the person finally calms enough to truly become aware of what they’ve done, it can be devastating. A flood of shame, disgust, anger, helplessness, and even more fear usually follows in the wake of one of these events. It can be a very sad sight to see or experience.

Again, there are many different sources of fear. As touched on previously, there are three general sources of fear. Fear of the Unknown, the Other, and the Self. These will all be discussed in the next few sections of this paper. Since each builds upon the other the goal here is to bring to light what type of fear one may be facing. Hopefully, having even passing knowledge of them will help one to recognize and mitigate the fear should it ever come up.

Fear of the Unknown

Fear of the Unknown is fundamental to the human experience. Indeed, it is so fundamental that the other two sources of fear build off of this one. I usually shy away from making absolute statements in my papers, but in this case I am certain that everyone is familiar with this type of fear. 

We humans are creatures of forethought, predictions, and educated guessing. We can’t help but try to look into the future. It’s helped us survive, being able to accurately guess what may happen next. It’s so fundamental to us that we actually get a bit of pleasure when our predictions turn out to be correct. That hit of pleasure is why gambling and other such addictions exist, but that’s a topic for another time.

What happens, then, when you encounter something so foreign that you can’t know what’s coming next? Something so different from anything you’ve ever encountered that there is no precedent to fall back on. No experience means no telling what might happen and that, quite understandably, scares the hell out of people. One cannot adequately guard against what one does not know or understand.

There are no correct answers when we don’t even know the question. Indeed, there are no answers at all in the case of the unknown. There’s no information. In these circumstances it becomes somewhat of a chicken and egg issue. We don’t have information, but we don’t want to interact with the unknown without knowing about it first. Quite the dilemma.

This is one of the reasons why fear of the dark is so prevalent for sighted people. Since we use our eyes as our primary source of information, having that source blocked by lack of light, injury, or something else can send us into a tailspin. We can’t determine what we are getting into or what’s coming next so our minds go into overdrive trying to come up with various possibilities. 

The issue here is that when there is no data then the possibilities seem endless. For all we know anything and everything can happen at any moment. It’s overwhelming, it’s suffocating, and we try to compensate by preparing the only thing we can at that moment. Our bodies enter into that primal fight or flight mode in preparation for, hopefully, handling whatever is to come.

However, fight and/or flight isn’t always a good reaction to the unknown. Quite often both can be over the top and too extreme. It can be useful for imminent danger such as an attack or other physical threat, but for anything else there are often better ways to go about handling such a situation. 

The best thing you can do in the moment is keep thinking. Think about the circumstances that led to the current moment. Think about your remaining senses and the information you can gather from them. Think about the resources you have right now in the area or within reach. Think about your surroundings and who may be in the area to help. This is the power of keeping a calm mind in a potentially dangerous situation. Being calm helps you to see better the potential solutions if something comes up.

This can be tricky. Hesitation can lead to harm, but so can taking action too quickly. One can only do what they can with the information that they have. Often, however, people believe that they don’t have the luxury of waiting for more information. Sometimes this is true, but often this isn’t the case. Being able to accurately judge how much time one has to make a decision can help to prevent going with a less than ideal solution or reaction too quickly.

Still, sometimes people have fears of known unknowns such as scenarios which could happen, but there are no signs that they will happen. This can lead to one constantly asking “what if” to themselves or others. Oftentimes it’s not a conscientious choice, but rather an inexplicable and general unease of one’s surroundings. 

It’s as if because they don’t know what’s going to happen they expect or fear everything happening even without evidence to prove this inevitability. It can be a brutal cycle, especially, if the anxiety ends up manifesting itself through accidental mishaps. My hope is that the final sections of this paper can help those with such anxieties better combat the effects of those fears.

Fear of the Other

Fear of the Other is quite interesting. It’s often indirect and very subtle in its machinations. In this way it feels almost sinister in nature. It can seem on the surface to be benign, but once you start to dig into the source(s) of the fear you may be surprised by what hides underneath the surface. And, while the core of the fear may be the same, the lived experiences may be different for each person. Undoubtedly, it can have very alarming consequences for those, and others, who are unable to escape its grasp. 

As stated before, this category of fear is subtle and indirect. It is manifested by deeper issues and concerns within a person. These are issues usually surrounding a person’s identity as well as their specific level of fear when it comes to the Unknown. 

This type of fear is born from insecurity. To be more precise, it’s the insecurity surrounding one’s identity. It comes from the deep concern for how one perceives themselves as well as how they are perceived by others. The natural inclination when someone feels insecure is to find ways to become more secure. So, when paired with fear of the Unknown, there is a consistent pressure that one comes under and we often see this fear become expressed as the person attempts to relieve that pressure.

It should be noted that this is a different type of fear than one usually expects to encounter. This type of fear worms its way into a person. It influences them in the slightest of ways and compounds its effects over time like the building of a tidal wave. It’s the type of fear that creates mountains out of mole hills. But, once the mountain is built it can take a major event, literally or figuratively, to tear it back down. And, sometimes, a person is never able to escape from its effects.

Examples of how this fear can manifest itself include, but is definitely not limited to, the following: having very specific eating habits; having a high resistance to learning about new things or people; having a high resistance to trying new things; having a difficult time adjusting to new information or outright rejecting new information; being unwilling to try non-traditional practices for non-specific or illogical reasons.

Because this type of fear is often so subtle in the way it manifests, it can be very hard to recognize. Its effects can be so small at the start that one would hesitate to call it anything more than a simple preference, style, or eccentricity. Everything listed in the examples above could very easily just be someone’s personal preference, but it could also be deeper than that. Much deeper in fact. 

The issue isn’t usually the act or non-act, but the reason(s) behind it. What are some good reasons for why someone wouldn’t at least try a different type of food? Dietary restrictions or other health conscientiousness and/or religion are generally the only truly acceptable answers. Anything else means that the person has at least experienced this type of food/dish in the past. Note, there is also the danger of being dishonest with oneself as well which is another way that this fear is so elusive. Again, I’m not talking about having a preference. This is a deliberate, if sometimes unconscious, refusal to experiencing and/or accepting something “other”.

Remember, this type of fear is born out of insecurity of one’s identity. Its goal here is to protect the ego which is, above all, concerned with how one perceives themselves and how they’re perceived by others. To be even more precise, the true fear is actually how change will affect one’s identity. 

If you’ve built your identity around not liking ice cream, for example, without actually truly knowing whether or not you enjoy ice cream, then when presented with anything similar to ice cream you may be tempted to not try it at all. Because if you do happen to enjoy it then the identity that you’ve built around not liking ice cream is no longer valid.

Now, some people will be tempted to scoff at that last paragraph. They may ask how someone could be so fragile about ice cream. How can anyone be so concerned about their image that they would deprive themselves of something that could, potentially, bring joy to their life? Why does it even matter? It’s ice cream for Pete’s sake! But what if it wasn’t ice cream, or not just ice cream? What if it were sports? What if it were music genres? Pets? The arts? Science? Religion? A culture? What if it were an entire race of people?

This is the reason, as I said before, that this type of fear is almost sinister in nature. It’s not the way this fear starts out, but the way that it can end that is most disturbing. The way this fear can build over time and encompass such important aspects of how one sees or interacts with the “other” can be more profound than is often anticipated. Left unchecked, it can become quite dangerous.

I think that because of how this fear initially presents itself that it can be especially difficult for those who are not often introspective. The reason for this is that if someone is both aware of themselves on a deep level and comfortable with their true self they are naturally more immune to the effects of this type of fear.

Introspective people are typically more flexible in how they see themselves and more comfortable adapting new ideas or information. They know themselves quite deeply and know exactly what they stand for or against and so new things are simply evaluated without fear of their entire identity crumbling. They are secure, and therefore unafraid of the “other”, because they understand that the “other” has no power to dictate their values, beliefs, or morals.

Fear of the Self

Fear of the Self is probably the most difficult fear to encounter. Fear of the Self is the twin to fear of the Other. Like fear of the Other, this fear is also sourced from insecurity in one’s identity. Unlike the fear of the Other, which directs a person to reject outside influences, fear of the Self redirects inwards stripping away a person’s will to better themselves or to view themselves in a certain way.

It can mean many things when someone has a fear of themselves. It may mean that they fear what they are or aren't capable of doing, being, or feeling. It may mean that they don’t believe they have control over their body, mind, reactions, emotions, etc. It may mean that they don’t believe they have worth or can’t be worthy of certain things (love, friendship, status, etc.). Fear of the Self is more aptly described as a fear of possibilities often grounded in one’s own agency as a person.

 As such, this fear typically manifests as low self-worth, confidence, courage, and other self directed motivations. Because, at its core this fear is about both failure and success. Failure to accomplish positive things as well as unwitting success in negative areas. This fear is most concerned with a person’s potential, real or imagined and positive or negative.

This fear is just as sinister in nature and can be quite dangerous if left unchecked. Similarly to fear of the Other, fear of the Self tends to apply a constant onslaught of abuse towards the person suffering from it. I imagine it’s like being under siege. A relentless bombardment of doubt and despair and nobody around to save you. In this way it is perhaps the loneliest fear one can suffer. It’s such a personal fear that not only can it be difficult for others to understand, but it can be just as difficult to know how to assist from the outside. It also doesn’t help that those who suffer this fear often end up pushing others away.

You can see this type of fear manifested in people who have intimacy issues. In people who refuse to try to learn new skills. In people who refuse to publish their art or writing. In people who turn down promotions. Note that these people won’t always know that they have this fear. As stated earlier, fear of the Self tends to creep into a person slowly over time. However, sometimes a person is well aware that they have this fear and choose to stay in the confines of the bubble that’s been built around them. This fear steers people to stay firmly inside their comfort zones either way and if one chooses to stop resisting then all the better for this fear.

Still, If you pay attention to their speech it’s often riddled with self-deprecating language. They tend to talk about themselves as if they’ve already reached their full potential. As if they have nothing left to give or strive towards. Indeed, they usually believe that they shouldn’t even try. And any attempts to try something new will inevitably go wrong in some way, often because of self-sabotage. 

A true tragedy is when one is gripped with both fear of the Other as well as the Self. These people may end up berating others for taking risks or trusting people. They may latch onto one thing to blame their issues on in order to shield themselves from the true source of their fear. They may begin devouring news articles of war or other disasters and use those as proof for why they shouldn’t bother trying. The whole world has already gone to Hell in a handbasket after all.  

They won’t try new things and they hate to see others trying new things as well because it reminds them that they can’t take the risk of leaving their comfort zone. In their mind, there is no winning for them. Only more pain and suffering beyond what they are already experiencing awaits. There are countless examples of this fear in action and it can be so tragic to witness. My heart goes out to those suffering from this fear. It can be so debilitating and the results of living with such a fear so devastating. Unfortunately, suicide is not a rare ending for these people.

Please, understand that there is absolutely no shame in being afraid of anything. Nothing in this paper is shameful in the slightest. The whole purpose of this paper, and these sections, is to bring these specific fears to light. The goal is to help make people more aware of the effects of these fears and to help those who may be struggling become better equipped to combat them and ask for help if needed.

Conquering Fear

Conquering fear can be incredibly difficult. It can be some of the most painstaking work that anyone can undertake. It can also be one of the most uplifting and freeing accomplishments that one can experience. There’s really nothing like it.

The goal here is to go over some methods and thought processes that help with conquering fear. Do note that the following is not meant to vanquish fear. Permanent removal of fear may certainly occur but it isn’t guaranteed nor is it meant to be. My goal is to help one discover the best method(s) for building their own custom fishing equipment rather than provide a fish or to cure hunger.

My hope is that the ideas presented below can act as a launching point for people to begin understanding where to look for their own answers. Now, maybe some of the ideas directly help and that would be wonderful. But, the aim is to get the creative juices flowing so to speak. This is because these types of things are almost never one size fits all. These ideas will almost certainly require tweaking to fit the different needs of different people.

First things first, let’s talk about one’s mindset. It’s extremely important to keep an open mind during this endeavor. If your mind is closed off to new possibilities or ideas then the likelihood of you adopting anything else is pretty low. In fact, if this is the case, I’m surprised you even made it this far into reading.

An open mind is adaptable. It’s malleable and allows for different ideas and points of view. It’s resistant to stagnation and actively combats more fearfulness because it allows for more information to be taken in and evaluated. Remember, fear of the Unknown is a literal lack of information. So having more information in any area will naturally aid in reducing fear of the Unknown.

The next thing to talk about is one’s relationship with themselves. This applies more to the type of fear linked to both the Other and the Self. The best possible defense for those types of fear is to know yourself on a very deep level. I’ve written about this in my On Introspection paper. The short of it is that when you are able to learn about yourself down to your very core then your agency as a person will be sourced from within rather than from outside influences. It’s a method of building one’s internal resilience and discovering the foundation that makes up your belief system. The ability to be introspective is probably one of the more impactful techniques one could learn.

To go along with the first item is exposure therapy and controlled scenarios. Exposure therapy is simply a method for getting used to one’s fear and controlled scenarios aid in doing just that. An example would be the following. Say that you are afraid of dogs. Exposure therapy would be interacting with dogs. Depending upon the severity of the fear, however, it may be necessary to control the amount of exposure so that you don’t become completely overwhelmed and have a set back. 

Now, there is a danger with this method and that is not pushing hard enough to be exposed an appropriate amount. There is also the danger of trying to do too much too quickly. Working with a skilled professional can help you with determining how to safely apply this method to your own specific case.

Something else to go along with the previous is a skill. This skill is proper risk assessment. Many people are not taught how to thoroughly assess risk. Any risk. We tend to learn the basics of this skill through osmosis during our formative years, but not many have done advanced study on the topic. Being able to accurately assess a particular risk can help massively reduce one’s stress and anxiety around a fear.

When one can assess a risk adequately and accurately then the person instantly has more options for conquering their fear. With a well done risk assessment one can come up with a good plan to attack their fear. They can come up with backup solutions. They can come up with better controls so to help them not get overwhelmed or to call for help. There are so many things at a person’s disposal when they can be reasonably assured of what could, and is likely, to happen during a specific scenario. 

When it comes to conquering one’s fear, knowledge is quite powerful. Everything that was just covered will become more and more helpful with more information. You simply cannot have enough information. But to take in that information and have it be available to you, you must keep an open mind. Allow yourself to be taught new things. Of course not everything learned will be useful, but at least give yourself a chance and carefully screen things out rather than blindly cut yourself off.

Fear as a Tool

As I mentioned way back near the beginning of this paper, fear as a concept is fascinating. It’s one of the most primal emotions we humans have and it definitely shows. Near impossible to fully stop and very hard to control just screams primitive. And it’s wonderful. This is the perfect training tool for those looking to better themselves.

Seriously, if you’ve ever wondered what you could be working on that would provide an immediate payoff just look at your fear(s). These are literal nuggets of insecurity that you could be striving towards remediating. They could even be multifaceted meaning you could be killing two, three, or more birds with one stone! Fear is the super efficient weakness detector that anyone looking to better themselves should employ earnestly. 

This isn’t thrill seeking by the way. Anyone can go jump off of bridges or something similar. This is a deliberate method of identifying areas of concern within oneself for the express purpose of becoming a better version of yourself. It can be physical, emotional, social, or all of the above. Any area that could use improvement will be captured in your fears. For a bonus, the less of the fear you’re working on that you experience will let you know that you’re heading in the right direction as well. 

Fear is not your enemy. Its heart is in the right place, but honestly its methods could use some adjustments. Still, it deserves a seat at your advisory table just as much as the other emotions. It doesn’t, however, deserve to be your dictator. So I say use it. Use it to your utmost benefit. Let it advise you, but don’t let it take over.

On Introspection

People enjoy comfort. When a person is comfortable they are able to relax. They are able to follow their whims without worry or restraint. A person’s natural inclination is to always go towards comfort. When that comfort is threatened, however, the instinct is to move towards a defensive posture. Whether real or imagined, if a person believes their comfort is at risk they will naturally employ whatever defense mechanisms at their disposal to prevent the breach to their tranquility. This reaction, honed over millennia, is what has allowed the human race to survive and thrive. This reaction, honed over millennia, is also one of the greatest barriers people face in pursuit of growth. 

I have noticed throughout my observations that people are not very purposefully introspective. Everyone goes through times of introspection, sure, but from those I’ve spoken to this is very rarely a self determined exercise. By this I mean that something has happened within that person’s life which has forced, in a way, their need to go down a reflective path in order to come to terms with what has happened. Of course, there are a multitude of reasons why someone wouldn’t want to engage in introspection, but I have also found that some people don’t seem to know what it means to be introspective or how the practice can help them grow as a person.

What is Introspection? 

Introspection is, as defined by most dictionaries, “the examination or observation of one's own mental and emotional processes.” In essence, when one introspects they are looking inward not only to discover, but understand how they view themselves and the world and, most importantly, why they hold those views. It's simply the act of getting to know yourself. 

For example, do you know why you like the music that you like? How about the reasons why you chose to continue school or take a job? Do you know what your core beliefs are? What about your political views? Your morals? Would you consider yourself to be caring? Since forming your initial beliefs, values, and other views have you ever asked yourself why you formed those views in the first place? If they are still valid? Have you ever asked yourself if your views are helpful or harmful to yourself or others? Do you like yourself?

These are all things that an introspective person may ponder at one point or another while learning about themselves. It’s while thinking about the answers to questions like the ones above that the introduction of this paper comes into play. These are potentially very uncomfortable questions to ask oneself. While there are no wrong answers per se, some may not like what they find when they dive into themselves in this way. 

The defense mechanisms come out in force to protect the self from potentially uncomfortable truths that the person may not be prepared to face. Some will give non-specific or base level answers. Some will flat out refuse to entertain the questions at all. Some may tell themselves that it’s a stupid exercise, that they already know the answers to all these questions, that they are just fine the way they are now… This may all be true. But if this is the case, I always wonder, why not go ahead and answer the question(s)?

Introspection is a solitary endeavor. By its very nature you hold all the power since it’s something you do in the privacy of your own mind away from the knowledge or judgement of others. So, unless you choose to share your views, no one will ever know what you hold inside. Whatever insights you find within yourself are yours to do with what you will. This is an exercise designed to give clarity, meaning, and ultimately solidarity to your own agency as a person.

Why Practice Being Introspective

You know the feeling of understanding something on such a fundamental level that it becomes very difficult for someone to change your mind about the subject? You know it so well that when you’re shown “evidence” to the contrary you’re able to refute it because your level of understanding is so deep and rich with information regarding the subject that you’ve come to know every fact about it. Introspection allows you to do the same with yourself. It helps you to understand yourself down to your very core.

There are people who appear to be heavily influenced by outside entities. Parents, friends, significant others, coworkers, society at large, and “the internet” to name just a few. Everyone is influenced by things outside their being but there are some who are much more susceptible to the pressures of these forces. They tend to give much more weight to these outside influences than they should. Sometimes they do this to such a level that they can end up relying on an “other” to form their opinions and guide them through life. They end up absorbing the thoughts, feelings, and morals of this “other” and in turn they can get to the point where they’re in danger of losing themselves to whatever ideologies have been shown to them. When this happens, their own worth and the worth of others are no longer determined by their own values but by whatever the “other” feeds them. By giving up control of their belief systems they in turn give up control of themselves.

Understand that this paper is not meant to preach or warn you against the dangers of the internet or to be dubious of your eccentric neighbors. It’s actually very good practice to expose yourself to all sorts of different people and cultures and schools of thought. That being said you should have, and practice, the ability to scrutinize whatever gets presented to you. The ability to investigate each new idea or advertisement or bit of gossip and only adopting the things that fit your personal morals is how you stay true to your core values and beliefs. And the ability to allow your beliefs and values to evolve over time as you learn more about yourself and the world will help you become the best version of yourself.

As mentioned before, the goal of introspection is to learn about yourself on the deepest of levels. It’s a mental exercise based around asking probing questions and learning the truth of what makes you tick by exploring the depths of your mental makeup. Also, as mentioned before, when performed with the right mindset, introspection can lead to unrivaled personal insight, growth and strength of character. It can bring about a profound sense of self that is sourced from within rather than relying upon outside influences. 

How to be Introspective

Patience

The bedrock of introspection is patience as this is not a quick process. This exercise requires careful deliberation and caution. It requires you to sit with your thoughts for long periods of time. Letting ideas marinate in your mind while you ponder every side of them. During these exercises you’re meant to follow every conceivable path an idea can take you down. The highest of highs and lowest of lows in regards to the idea’s meanings and consequences. Every avenue is to be explored and every stone upturned. The goal is thoroughness in every sense of the word.

This endeavor can last for weeks, months, and even years. In reality it should last as long as you’ve still unanswered questions. It’s not something that needs to haunt you, of course not, but you should have it always lingering in the back of your mind. When you find yourself with a free moment or engaged with some monotonous task that allows your mind to drift, you should call up the idea and continue working through its mysteries and implications. As you learn more about the world and experience life, you may even find yourself revisiting old ideas and notions.

You will also need patience enough to forgive yourself. There will be times where you just need a break. You’ll need to be able to forgive yourself in times of frustration, exhaustion, and laziness. Allow yourself comfortable pacing throughout this process. There are no deadlines or quotas. Slow and steady will get you through and serve you better in the long run.

Honesty

The first level of introspection is honesty. If you can’t be honest with yourself, frankly, this exercise will do you no good. In the case of introspection, you simply cannot move forward with dishonesty holding you down. Honesty is the key that unlocks the door to the higher levels of introspection where true growth and understanding is cultivated. Lower your defenses and have the courage to face yourself unreserved as well as the resolve to do whatever is necessary to evolve and thrive. 

This is arguably the most uncomfortable part of this exercise. Facing yourself head on can be scary. Hell, it can be downright terrifying. Some just don’t know who or what will end up staring back at them when they look into the mirror. I understand that this is not always a pain-free process. Some revelations will lead to deep, and potentially dark, emotions. Still, you’ll have to be able to stay your defenses and be completely open with yourself. Remind yourself that the goal is growth and that in order to grow you have to face your truth. Understand that the point of the exercise isn’t to beat yourself up. It can bring up painful truths, yes, but it can also perhaps uncover strengths that you never knew you possessed. This exercise seeks to provide a deep understanding of the self. The whole self. 

Be honest about your thought processes, how you evaluate information, how your views shape your thinking. Take note of your biases and habits. Don’t shy away from any prejudices you may hold or other notions for that matter. Stay vigilant with your defenses during this time. Stay honest. Take ownership of yourself and allow yourself to see who you really are. Remember the goal is to see your true self, not to beat yourself up. In order to grow you’ll need to see yourself as you actually are, not how you wish you were or are trying to be.

That being said, unmitigated honesty can definitely do some damage and take a toll which is the main reason that Honesty sits upon the foundation of Patience. You may find that you need to take some time to ease into whatever honest revelation(s) you uncover. Like getting into a hot bath, the suggestion is not to dive head first into boiling water but rather to slowly lower yourself down at a pace that’s comfortable for you. Take what time you need and continue when you’re able. Again, taking things slow and steady will get you through and serve you better in the long run. 

Judgement

The second level of introspection is Judgement. To be more accurate it is really more of a trial. This is where you take your idea, statement, feeling, assumption, etc. and hold a type of trial in your head. Or outside your head, it’s your rodeo. This Judgement phase is meant to make or break the case that you are who you say you are, or aren’t. It’s for making sure that you are dealing with exactly what you think you’re dealing with. For making the determination, with supporting evidence, that you do or don’t have a certain tendency or prejudice or view. To make things clear, your character isn’t under the gun here. That will come soon enough. For now, the aim is simply to confirm or deny whatever your focus is on a factual basis.

During this phase you’ll be putting whatever your focus is to the test by bringing supporting evidence for and against what you’re working on at the moment. All of the evidence should be brought to the forefront. Summon all of the past experiences you have and also come up with realistic hypothetical situations if you find your real experience is lacking. A hypothetical situation may provide insight on what you would do if given a certain scenario. 

This is the part where no stone left unturned comes into play as well as honesty. You should be as thorough and as honest as possible. Look at all the evidence from multiple points of view. Visualize your actions and reactions being as detailed as you can. Dig as deeply as you dare and then dig deeper. All of the evidence needs to be brought to the forefront and each piece should have its day in court so to speak. You should be careful to only use factual statements and remove emotion from the equation as much as possible. Don’t try to twist words, project your views or emotions, or otherwise distort outcomes. Stay honest. Weigh all of the evidence against each other and judge your focus in a simple true or false manner. 

This part of the exercise is important to make sure that you’re dealing with the root of the matter. Going through this you may find that what you thought was an issue, or a strength, is actually a symptom of something deeper. For example, the evidence may tell you that instead of just being shy you are actually suffering PTSD symptoms. It may be that instead of being aggressive you simply struggle to read body language and have a tendency to come off stronger than you realize. And, of course, maybe the evidence confirms that deep down you really are just an extremely selfish person who lacks care for others outside of personal gain.

Negative revelations can lead someone down dark paths. Positive ones can soothe the soul. Remember, this isn’t an exercise hellbent on beating you up over your flaws. The ultimate goal is to understand yourself at your core. If at the end of this process you’re fine with whatever traits or views you hold, you’ll know down to the foundation of your being the reasons why. And if you feel the opposite, you’ll have the starting point for making meaningful changes. I’d like to remind you to have patience and stay honest during this portion of introspection. Take your time with this step and be as careful as possible in your judgement. 

Acceptance

The third level of introspection is acceptance. Acceptance is difficult to say the least. Accepting who you are at the present moment, especially if you aren’t in your perceived ideal form, can be a tough pill to swallow. We are our own worst critics and this exercise is meant to highlight the entire self, flaws included. 

Everyone has a version of themselves that they feel they should strive for or be at by now. Negative qualities are especially difficult, but there are also positive qualities that some people have trouble accepting. Bizarre, I know, but some people may have been taught that something that is actually a really positive and useful quality makes them weak or naive or stupid. It’s especially in these cases where introspection should shine brightest. Through introspection you’ll be able to dig into those preconceived notions and explore the alternatives to make your own determination about yourself rather than going with what someone else has said about you. 

Still, a lot of people struggle with acceptance. I think this is because on some level we’ve associated acceptance with permanence. The popular term, “it is what it is,” is a bit deceptive in that it somewhat implies that whatever “it” is can’t be changed. For this exercise though, the term can be modified to be more accurate: “it is what it is, right now.” The entire goal of this exercise is to come to terms with yourself and ultimately, if desired, change the things you can to make yourself better. 

Now this is largely an issue of perception in my experience. There are many people who naturally assume the more accurate term without needing it pointed out to them. We call these people optimists. They naturally go through life finding and improving on the things that they can and are more adept at finding those things in the first place. Pessimists and realists noticeably have trouble in this area and are quick to accept the status quo based on things such as tradition or the government or the like. They also tend to fall into the trap of believing that they don't need to change. They may believe that any worthwhile changes need to occur outside themselves where they have no authority or power to do so and they use that as an excuse to become stagnant in their own ways. 

There is also an issue with comfort and fear. Sometimes it’s more comfortable, if frustrating, to let the current way of things just be and not try to change. It’s tempting to do this because there is comfort in the familiar and there is fear in uncertainty. Change can be difficult and usually is quite uncomfortable. There’s nearly always a level of uncertainty that comes with change as well because of unknowns that can happen during the change that affect the outcome. Of course there are ways to guard against unforeseen circumstances, but some will use the very possibility of failure as a reason not to try and change something in the first place. 

So throughout this part of the exercise, try to keep the more accurate term in mind and accept that you are the way you are, right now. The higher levels will help you to see possibilities for yourself when it comes time to take action. 

Critique

The fourth level of introspection is Critique. This is the part of the exercise that many people are prone to jump to or think about when they think of introspection. As you can see there are a lot of things that come before getting to this step that set the foundation for this portion of the exercise. Jumping straight to Critique is like skipping the instruction manual. You could probably get through it alright and maybe even have some success. However, it isn’t likely to be as fulfilling, thorough, or teach you very much about yourself. Unless you were trying to highlight your lack of patience and propensity towards masochism.

From what I’ve gathered through observing people there is a very negative view of criticizing or receiving any kind of criticism. This is to be expected. It makes sense, of course, not many want to be told that they’ve done something wrong or that something about you is lacking. People can develop genuine fears surrounding being criticized regardless of the reason. It’s a pretty universal feeling I think. I haven’t met anyone who doesn’t have at least a little reservation about being criticized. Even those who welcome criticism still tend to have a small part of them wishing that nothing too bad comes up. Criticism, however, can be a very powerful tool when we view it with a growth mindset.

When we’re trying to grow, we need to be critical of ourselves to know what to work on. Sure, you can work to improve the things you’re already good at, but what do you do when you’ve mastered everything else? It can be dangerous to work on just one or a couple of sides of yourself and leave the rest stagnant or decaying. Most things in life are very much use it or lose it. Criticism illuminates the parts of ourselves that have the most potential for growth. That is powerful. If you can identify areas of yourself or your life that need the most help then any positive change in that area will yield disproportionately large rewards. 

Now, this step isn’t just about highlighting your worst qualities. It’s also about aligning your actions, habits, and thoughts to your core beliefs, values, and morals. What may be perfectly fine to one person is two steps removed from Hades’ front gates to another. When our behaviors are misaligned with our values we begin to lose ourselves. It may start with compromise, but if it’s not corrected it can lead to one turning to various and potentially awful coping mechanisms. Terrible things such as mental breakdowns, substance abuse or other addictions, and unfortunately suicide are not unheard of. 

There are two types of criticism. The first is meant to harm or tear down the person receiving the abuse. This has no value beyond letting the person being “critiqued” know that they need to remove the criticizer from their lives expeditiously. This type of criticism is nothing more than thinly veiled bullying, if that. Since this is a mental exercise, I encourage you to seek help if you find yourself leaning towards giving yourself this type of criticism. You shouldn’t take that kind of talk even from yourself. Note that it can be difficult to figure out which type of criticism you’re receiving if the person giving the message is less than eloquent in their delivery. 

The second type of criticism is meant to be helpful and productive for the person receiving the criticism. Again, have patience with yourself during this step in the process. You’ve gone through a lot of work already to get to this point so there’s no need to rush now. I will also remind you to stay honest. There may be a lot of temptation to downplay and save face with yourself. This is a defense mechanism. Lower your guard and allow yourself to be as you are now.

As mentioned earlier, the goal of Critique is to see how your actions, thoughts, and habits align to your core beliefs, morals, and values. In this way Critique is similar to Judgement. Judgement is meant to use cold hard facts to provide a true or false. Critique takes that same focus question or statement and determines good or bad based on your personal beliefs and values.

So, think of how your revelations impact you and how they align to your values. For example, if you hold the belief that people should be treated equally and your past actions show otherwise, that should tell you something. If you value cooperation but you find yourself being unhelpful or playing the lone wolf a lot, that should tell you something. If you morally cannot abide bullying and you’ve consistently stood up for victims of bullying, that should tell you something.

That is something to consider during this step. Your values may have changed or shifted. Going back to the previous examples, if you don’t really mind that you aren’t as inclusive as you believed yourself to be then maybe you don’t hold that belief anymore. That’s something to be explored. It goes both ways as well. Maybe before you didn’t really care about those being bullied but now you can’t stand it. People tend to naturally change over time. Sometimes it happens so gradually that it takes you by surprise once you look inward after some time has passed. You gain some experience or meet some different people or just move to a different place and all of a sudden you start believing or valuing different things. There is a lot that can come up while being introspective. 

If you don’t know what your values are then try going off of feeling. For example, let’s say that your judgement determined that you are an incredibly selfish person. How do you feel when you think about that statement? Are you sad, angry, gleeful, or something else? Explore as long as you need. Understand that we aren’t just looking for negatives here. We are doing self confirmation checks to see how things are still doing within ourselves and if things need to be adjusted. If things don’t need adjusting then congratulations! Give yourself a clean bill of spiritual health and be sure to pencil in your next check up in your calendar.

You should take the time to work out your true beliefs, values, and feelings. Of course, you may find that your actions do in fact align with your values, but perhaps not as well. This is a good discovery! It means that you’re acting in a way that’s true to your values, but you still need some practice or instruction to take it to the next level. This portion of the exercise can be difficult but well worth it to know without a doubt so that you can take action if needed. If action is in fact needed then the rest of this guide should help you take the next steps towards positive change.

Determination

Now that you’ve made it through each level of introspection it’s time to make a determination with the insights you’ve gathered during the process. Although this step can go quickly, I urge you not to rush to a conclusion. Try to take just as much care during this step to make sure that you’re staying honest and focusing on what matters.

The goal with determination is to decide on what needs to be done about your revelations gained throughout this exercise. This can be something small such as improving on a skill or something bigger such as seeking outside help or cutting off a toxic relationship and anything in between. Whatever the case, a determination should be made during this step of the process. Again, this step sounds fairly easy. You just make a decision about next steps or goals and you’re done. Nice and simple except when it’s not. Some people will discover during this portion of the exercise that they have a mental block when it comes to making decisions. They just can’t do it for one reason or another. This is also a defense mechanism that is, usually, rooted in the fear of failure. 

Of course there are many legitimate reasons that people fear failure, but usually the fear is somewhat overinflated. Just like acceptance, a lot of people associate failure with permanence. Failure doesn’t always result in permanence. Actually, more often than not, failure is a starting point for growth. Typically, one only truly fails when they’ve given up. This is a mistake that I see a lot of people doing is giving up after a failure. That comes back to people loving comfort. It can be uncomfortable to fail and many people have a natural aversion to it. But if they can push through the discomfort there is greater opportunity for growth than if they stuck only to things they’re certain about. Also, learning to be realistic about the consequences of failure and not catastrophizing it will guard against downward spirals when failure occurs in the future. Nobody goes through life without at least some failure, but those that have avoided failure at all costs have a very difficult road ahead of them when failure inevitably happens. 

If you’re having trouble making a decision then I encourage you to find multiple options. This is by far the best way I’ve seen to combat anxiety surrounding making decisions. The more options you can identify the more confident you can be in making a choice because there are other paths you can change course to if things go badly. 

For example, say that during this exercise you figure out that your actions towards dogs don’t always align with your belief that generally animals should be treated with a base level of kindness. What can be done about this? During the exercise you’ve already identified that your treatment towards dogs wasn’t caused by something that the dog did. You would have caught that during the Judgement and Critique portions of this exercise if that were the case. 

No, at this point you know without a doubt that there is something about the way that you view dogs that makes it difficult for you to treat them on the same level that you treat other animals. So what can be done about this? There are loads of options here. You could simply resolve to be more conscientious about how you interact with dogs. You could go through this exercise again to try and determine if you may have unresolved trauma related to dogs. You could seek counseling or simply resolve to interact with more dogs. Especially if it’s a case of just not having much exposure to them while you were growing up.

As you can see, there are usually multiple ways to tackle these things. I encourage you not to shy away from growth. Lean into the discomfort and make the effort to do better and continue learning about yourself and the world. I’ll reiterate again that this is a mental exercise so your privacy is protected until, and unless, you decide to open up to others. 

My personal recommendation has always been to stay private unless you hit a sufficiently difficult wall that requires you to seek outside help. Of course you may have trusted friends, family, or colleagues whose opinions you value and care about so I’m not saying to close yourself off from the world. I simply mean to try on your own before you seek help. Build self-reliance so that you can be in a better position to help yourself and others in their times of need. Once you have made a decision on what to do it’s time to head to the final step of the process, Revisal.

Revisal

The final step in the introspection exercise is Revisal. So far you should have identified something to focus on, weighed its merit in regards to its truthfulness, figured out how it aligns with your values and beliefs, and determined what, if anything, needs to be done about it. The last thing to do is act on your determination.

Now that you know what you want to do in regards to your focus the only thing left to do is follow your decision(s) made during the last step. Whether that be to take a course, seek counseling, resolve to change habits, or even to just be more conscientious about yourself or others. This is where the rubber meets the road. You should use the insights you’ve gained during this exercise to grow as a person as well as solidify further your views and beliefs.

Even though this is technically the final step in the process, in reality this process should never end. Ideally you should consistently be putting new information and ideas through this exercise. Identify, judge, critique, and make determinations for as many things as you can. Take the time to revisit old ideas and data to see how they hold up to a changed you. Take the time to reflect on how you’ve changed over time and if you’re comfortable in the direction you’ve gone or are heading. This is a powerful skill you now have in your command. So use it! Use it and grow as a person.

On Processing Events

When it comes to processing events, especially significant and negative ones, some not only struggle to cope but it can be so overwhelming that the only response is to simply shut down to what’s happening. So say something has happened to you. How do you move forward?

For some, it can seem too daunting, too important to fail at, or just too much to handle. Their thoughts and emotions get jumbled and it feels like they’re being pulled in a million different directions. They may not know where to start, how to start, if it’s the right time to do something about it, or if they are strong enough to handle it. Sometimes they don’t even know what “it” is!  

All of these thoughts and feelings can bring on fear and panic, but having the wherewithal and patience to stop, take a step back, and process an event in a meaningful and purposeful way can often yield better results and/or longer lasting satisfaction. Even knowing that you have the ability to process these events can have its own calming effect going forward when new ones inevitably come up throughout life. And the more practiced you are the more powerful that effect becomes too.

As for the actual processing of an event, in my experience I’ve observed some key skills that I routinely employ when faced with the task of processing events both large and mundane. Like most skills, they are multifunctional and I use them for more than just processing the goings on around me. I use them to learn, to entertain, to grow as a person and engage the world. 

Over time, having used these skills so often, it now comes naturally to me and when something happens I find myself instantly start working through whatever has come up. My hope for those reading is that the skills outlined below will help you to also handle the various events that will certainly happen in life and that you will be able to help those around you as well. 

Acknowledgement

Acknowledgement is the first step to truly processing any event. Acknowledging that something has happened or is happening at the moment is so important. This first step tends to be closely linked with the next step, Acceptance, but they are not the same thing and have very specific differences.

When we acknowledge something, or someone, we don’t necessarily have to accept it at face value. To acknowledge is to see something for what it is in that exact moment. It is seeing without analyzing. Whether it be an emotion, an obstacle, or even a decision that needs to be made, the aim is to see the root of the issue. When we acknowledge, we’re admitting the truth. We are telling ourselves, and others, that we can see what is or has happened. It is being open and honest about the current reality. 

Examples of acknowledgement include: 

• “You are hurt”

• “I feel let down”

• “The house is on fire”

• “I am/We are pregnant”

• “I have an addiction”

• “I am overworked”

• “My mental health is worsening”

• “I have lost my job”

It seems like a simple exercise, but sometimes that’s just not the case. Especially when what needs to be processed is negative or otherwise uncomfortable, we humans can jump through some pretty outlandish mental hoops when trying to avoid the issue or topic. There is a defense mechanism that kicks in and tries to steer us away from painful truths. For some it can take months or even years to finally admit that there is an issue at all. 

Some end up never acknowledging the “elephant” in the room. If the issue is big enough it nearly always takes a toll and can ruin relationships and even then there are some people that dig in so far and deep that they’re more comfortable in losing those relationships than truly dealing with certain issues. Sometimes, after a long enough denial period, it becomes a matter of pride and ego. 

The person may actually be ready to start moving forward, but they can’t get past the shame or guilt that comes down on them if they start to finally acknowledge “it”. To those people I would like to say that there is no shame in fixing an issue nor is there shame in asking for help. Once you’re able to see what it is that needs to be dealt with then you can begin moving forward.

Acceptance

Acceptance is the next step to processing an event. In this instance, acceptance doesn’t mean to agree with the situation, person, or topic. Acceptance in this context is coming to an understanding. Understanding that what has happened is the way that it is and there isn’t any way to go back and undo it. It’s accepting that words can’t be unsaid, that actions can’t be undone, and that feelings can’t be unfelt. 

Sometimes, of course, there may be solutions to sooth or even fix what has happened, but in the current moment what’s done is done. Take the time to understand the nature of what you’re dealing with at a high level and from there you can begin determining if something needs to be done and deciding whether or not to take action. 

Examples of acceptance include: 

• “You are hurt”

• “I feel let down”

• “The house is on fire”

• “I am/We are pregnant”

• “I have an addiction”

• “I am overworked”

• “My mental health is worsening”

• “I have lost my job”

Going through these first two exercises should help you see clearly the exact issue so that you can make those decisions. Life being what it is, there will be times where there isn’t a choice. Social norms, inheritance, tragedy, and so much more can force our hands. There are times where we maybe could have chosen not to deal with a particular issue, but we didn’t know that walking away was an option. And, of course, sometimes walking away just isn’t an option. I don’t personally know anyone who has successfully walked away from their addiction or mental health crisis.

Do not fall into the trap, however, of thinking that just because you must deal with an issue that you don’t have choices. There are a multitude of choices to be made during this process. My hope is that the rest of this guide will help you to uncover more of the choices available to you which will hopefully lead to a smoother journey. Insert joke about skinning cats.

Resolve, Resolve, Resolve

Resolve - Break it down

The first thing we need to do is resolve, or break down, the issue into more manageable pieces. This step is the backbone of problem solving and is key to not getting overwhelmed by large obstacles or projects. This is also the best way I’ve seen to squash panic which is usually caused by the enormity of a situation. Breaking things down makes for easier digestion and helps to build a nice checklist for getting through a difficult time or situation. It also helps you stay organized and thorough in your approach. 

During this step it is not unheard of to uncover more issues than the original one. You may discover that what you thought was the issue, while it still needs to be resolved, is just the tip of an iceberg. If, while going through this exercise, you discover other issues you should make sure to understand if the new discoveries are a symptom or a cause of the current problem. Just like in medicine, we need to treat the cause to cure the disease. Putting in the work to get to, and fix, the actual cause of an issue leads to permanent change. 

Asking questions about the issue and then answering those questions is how we can come up with potential resolutions or uncover potential extra issues. Let's take one of the statements from the above examples, “I am overworked”, to see if we can break the issue down further: 

Q: Why are you overworked? 

A: Because my job is stressful!

Q: Why is your job stressful? 

A: Because I’m doing the work of two people.

Q: Why are you doing the work of two people? 

A: Because my boss hasn’t hired a replacement.

Q: Is this something you can bring up to your boss? 

A: I already have! They won’t hire anyone!

I think you get the point here. Asking questions and answering honestly will help to lead you in the direction of solid solutions. In this case, we know that the true issue lay with the person’s employment and not, say, their home life. We also know that the issue has been brought up before which tells us that the person is aware of the problem, wants to fix it, has tried to fix it, and that their boss hasn’t helped. There could be more underlying issues at this person’s job, but we’ll stop here for now. Based on what we now know we can begin to put together solutions that will bring meaningful change for this person.

Resolve - Find a solution

The second thing to do is to resolve, or find solution(s), to each of the pieces. During this step the goal is to come up with as many solutions as possible. You’ll want to work on one piece at a time and build on your solution(s) from that initial piece. This helps the continuity of whatever you decide to do to solve your issue. Continuing with the example in the previous section we’ll try and find some solutions to help this person not be overworked anymore. 

Since talking to the boss didn’t result in any meaningful change, the next logical step here is to look for ways to either escalate or remove the person from the situation all together. Options here include: Talking to their boss’ boss, changing jobs within the current company, transferring offices, and/or getting a new job all together. 

Notice the order of the solutions presented above. These are potentially plans A, B, C, and D. Backup solutions are great for easing anxiety surrounding potential failure or unforeseen circumstances that may crop up during execution. Of course, this person may not care for their current job or company and instead decides that they’d rather pursue a new job rather than spend the time trying to stay at their company. Which solutions you choose to execute is completely dependent upon you and what you hope to accomplish beyond resolving the core issue(s). 

Resolve - Stay your course

The third and last thing to do is to have resolve for, or decide firmly on, a course of action. This is where you steel yourself to stay the course. The course here is dedication to seeing whatever you’re dealing with to its conclusion. Sometimes, you’ll run into those that see you are trying to make a change and will try to stop you. You’ll need to be steadfast in your resolve when such situations come up. 

Depending on the motives of whoever is in opposition to you and your plans, you may decide to hear them out, but you need to understand that the decision is in your hands and that you’ll be the one ultimately stuck with the outcome. That being said, there is absolutely nothing wrong with getting a second opinion from those around you whom you can trust.

You’ve come this far and put in the work, now it’s time to see it through to completion. Remember, the more solutions you have to work with the more backup plans you possess as well. Having gone through these exercises, you know exactly what you’re dealing with and how you’re going to resolve it so the only thing left to do is execute. Keep your confidence and take action!