On Processing Events
When it comes to processing events, especially significant and negative ones, some not only struggle to cope but it can be so overwhelming that the only response is to simply shut down to what’s happening. So say something has happened to you. How do you move forward?
For some, it can seem too daunting, too important to fail at, or just too much to handle. Their thoughts and emotions get jumbled and it feels like they’re being pulled in a million different directions. They may not know where to start, how to start, if it’s the right time to do something about it, or if they are strong enough to handle it. Sometimes they don’t even know what “it” is!
All of these thoughts and feelings can bring on fear and panic, but having the wherewithal and patience to stop, take a step back, and process an event in a meaningful and purposeful way can often yield better results and/or longer lasting satisfaction. Even knowing that you have the ability to process these events can have its own calming effect going forward when new ones inevitably come up throughout life. And the more practiced you are the more powerful that effect becomes too.
As for the actual processing of an event, in my experience I’ve observed some key skills that I routinely employ when faced with the task of processing events both large and mundane. Like most skills, they are multifunctional and I use them for more than just processing the goings on around me. I use them to learn, to entertain, to grow as a person and engage the world.
Over time, having used these skills so often, it now comes naturally to me and when something happens I find myself instantly start working through whatever has come up. My hope for those reading is that the skills outlined below will help you to also handle the various events that will certainly happen in life and that you will be able to help those around you as well.
Acknowledgement
Acknowledgement is the first step to truly processing any event. Acknowledging that something has happened or is happening at the moment is so important. This first step tends to be closely linked with the next step, Acceptance, but they are not the same thing and have very specific differences.
When we acknowledge something, or someone, we don’t necessarily have to accept it at face value. To acknowledge is to see something for what it is in that exact moment. It is seeing without analyzing. Whether it be an emotion, an obstacle, or even a decision that needs to be made, the aim is to see the root of the issue. When we acknowledge, we’re admitting the truth. We are telling ourselves, and others, that we can see what is or has happened. It is being open and honest about the current reality.
Examples of acknowledgement include:
“You are hurt”
“I feel let down”
“The house is on fire”
“I am/We are pregnant”
“I have an addiction”
“I am overworked”
“My mental health is worsening”
“I have lost my job”
It seems like a simple exercise, but sometimes that’s just not the case. Especially when what needs to be processed is negative or otherwise uncomfortable, we humans can jump through some pretty outlandish mental hoops when trying to avoid the issue or topic. There is a defense mechanism that kicks in and tries to steer us away from painful truths. For some it can take months or even years to finally admit that there is an issue at all.
Some end up never acknowledging the “elephant” in the room. If the issue is big enough it nearly always takes a toll and can ruin relationships and even then there are some people that dig in so far and deep that they’re more comfortable in losing those relationships than truly dealing with certain issues. Sometimes, after a long enough denial period, it becomes a matter of pride and ego.
The person may actually be ready to start moving forward, but they can’t get past the shame or guilt that comes down on them if they start to finally acknowledge “it”. To those people I would like to say that there is no shame in fixing an issue nor is there shame in asking for help. Once you’re able to see what it is that needs to be dealt with then you can begin moving forward.
Acceptance
Acceptance is the next step to processing an event. In this instance, acceptance doesn’t mean to agree with the situation, person, or topic. Acceptance in this context is coming to an understanding. Understanding that what has happened is the way that it is and there isn’t any way to go back and undo it. It’s accepting that words can’t be unsaid, that actions can’t be undone, and that feelings can’t be unfelt.
Sometimes, of course, there may be solutions to sooth or even fix what has happened, but in the current moment what’s done is done. Take the time to understand the nature of what you’re dealing with at a high level and from there you can begin determining if something needs to be done and deciding whether or not to take action.
Examples of acceptance include:
“You are hurt”
“I feel let down”
“The house is on fire”
“I am/We are pregnant”
“I have an addiction”
“I am overworked”
“My mental health is worsening”
“I have lost my job”
Going through these first two exercises should help you see clearly the exact issue so that you can make those decisions. Life being what it is, there will be times where there isn’t a choice. Social norms, inheritance, tragedy, and so much more can force our hands. There are times where we maybe could have chosen not to deal with a particular issue, but we didn’t know that walking away was an option. And, of course, sometimes walking away just isn’t an option. I don’t personally know anyone who has successfully walked away from their addiction or mental health crisis.
Do not fall into the trap, however, of thinking that just because you must deal with an issue that you don’t have choices. There are a multitude of choices to be made during this process. My hope is that the rest of this guide will help you to uncover more of the choices available to you which will hopefully lead to a smoother journey. Insert joke about skinning cats.
Resolve, Resolve, Resolve
Resolve - Break it down
The first thing we need to do is resolve, or break down, the issue into more manageable pieces. This step is the backbone of problem solving and is key to not getting overwhelmed by large obstacles or projects. This is also the best way I’ve seen to squash panic which is usually caused by the enormity of a situation. Breaking things down makes for easier digestion and helps to build a nice checklist for getting through a difficult time or situation. It also helps you stay organized and thorough in your approach.
During this step it is not unheard of to uncover more issues than the original one. You may discover that what you thought was the issue, while it still needs to be resolved, is just the tip of an iceberg. If, while going through this exercise, you discover other issues you should make sure to understand if the new discoveries are a symptom or a cause of the current problem. Just like in medicine, we need to treat the cause to cure the disease. Putting in the work to get to, and fix, the actual cause of an issue leads to permanent change.
Asking questions about the issue and then answering those questions is how we can come up with potential resolutions or uncover potential extra issues. Let's take one of the statements from the above examples, “I am overworked”, to see if we can break the issue down further:
Q: Why are you overworked?
A: Because my job is stressful!
Q: Why is your job stressful?
A: Because I’m doing the work of two people.
Q: Why are you doing the work of two people?
A: Because my boss hasn’t hired a replacement.
Q: Is this something you can bring up to your boss?
A: I already have! They won’t hire anyone!
I think you get the point here. Asking questions and answering honestly will help to lead you in the direction of solid solutions. In this case, we know that the true issue lay with the person’s employment and not, say, their home life. We also know that the issue has been brought up before which tells us that the person is aware of the problem, wants to fix it, has tried to fix it, and that their boss hasn’t helped. There could be more underlying issues at this person’s job, but we’ll stop here for now. Based on what we now know we can begin to put together solutions that will bring meaningful change for this person.
Resolve - Find a solution
The second thing to do is to resolve, or find solution(s), to each of the pieces. During this step the goal is to come up with as many solutions as possible. You’ll want to work on one piece at a time and build on your solution(s) from that initial piece. This helps the continuity of whatever you decide to do to solve your issue. Continuing with the example in the previous section we’ll try and find some solutions to help this person not be overworked anymore.
Since talking to the boss didn’t result in any meaningful change, the next logical step here is to look for ways to either escalate or remove the person from the situation all together. Options here include: Talking to their boss’ boss, changing jobs within the current company, transferring offices, and/or getting a new job all together.
Notice the order of the solutions presented above. These are potentially plans A, B, C, and D. Backup solutions are great for easing anxiety surrounding potential failure or unforeseen circumstances that may crop up during execution. Of course, this person may not care for their current job or company and instead decides that they’d rather pursue a new job rather than spend the time trying to stay at their company. Which solutions you choose to execute is completely dependent upon you and what you hope to accomplish beyond resolving the core issue(s).
Resolve - Stay your course
The third and last thing to do is to have resolve for, or decide firmly on, a course of action. This is where you steel yourself to stay the course. The course here is dedication to seeing whatever you’re dealing with to its conclusion. Sometimes, you’ll run into those that see you are trying to make a change and will try to stop you. You’ll need to be steadfast in your resolve when such situations come up.
Depending on the motives of whoever is in opposition to you and your plans, you may decide to hear them out, but you need to understand that the decision is in your hands and that you’ll be the one ultimately stuck with the outcome. That being said, there is absolutely nothing wrong with getting a second opinion from those around you whom you can trust.
You’ve come this far and put in the work, now it’s time to see it through to completion. Remember, the more solutions you have to work with the more backup plans you possess as well. Having gone through these exercises, you know exactly what you’re dealing with and how you’re going to resolve it so the only thing left to do is execute. Keep your confidence and take action!
